Stop & Stare & Sorry

I have been sitting in front of my laptop for weeks or even more than one month. DOING THESIS....!!! Argh...


Stressed out in many things and stuff... When I voice out, friends will tell me to chill, go easy on it, things will be better tomorrow, and so on. But hey! There is nothing easy in life. That's how I look at it. Those words of theirs can never give me the cure to comfort. However, it leaves anger in me sometimes. Just feel like shout out!

At least when she is sad, she knows how to show and look for comfort.

Hey people! I'm now the one who suffer!

I feel the pain!

Do you feel the same thing that I go through?
Have you ever put yourself in my shoes?
Have you ever get to know me more than I myself do?
Have you ever care to care about me?
Have you ever care to know what I am thinking?
Have you ever care to know who I am?
have you ever...

That's why most of the times, I choose not to voice it.

Keep it all. Hug it all to myself.
Walk alone barefooted on all the rocky roads.

Sorry. The words I put down here may hurt those who really care about me. But people say, when one is in emotional situation, they can never think straight.

Mirror myself on this text I'm typing now, I am now wondering, how far am I true to that statement.
But seriously, I can't really feel the care from people around me. Oh my! Am I a human made up without "care sensor". I really wish I can feel it. But how?


Wei Xiang acting skill not bad huh? So Emo..

Keep on telling myself than "no one understands better than you, yourself do".

Has this statement make me numb. I just don't know. And maybe this is the reason why I've been labelled by my friends as "Stubborn Queen".

Here are the people who labelled me as "Stubborn Queen". Thanks to Szetoo Weiwen for this photo.

The year is about to end few more days. Counting the days as I weight the happy and unhappy event that went through my life. Selecting suitable emoticon into the events and here comes the result. Imbalance. Wonder how I can go through such a SUCK life and survive till today.

Have a short chat with Szetoo Weiwen in the evening, and talking about those genius who don't really have to study and can play most of their time and strive for success so easily. She labelled them study smart. And it is not good to be a total study smart person. Must be street smart too.

But I say I'm neither or am I (street smart)?
Oh.. So that's how I survive through this sucky year?

Wonder if I still have time before the year ends?

Time for what, you ask?
Time for a change, I'll say.



Time to open the door; or
Time to close it and keep in the dark.

That I'll have to decide.

How to make my life wonderful?

How to live my life to the max?

Is all in my hand.

For I'm the only driver who can drive down the road of my life.

Others can only direct.

Thanks to Fong Way for this photo.

Which way to go, is all up to me.

ONLY ME!

I'm Sorry

Watching Bollywood movie after pampering myself with McD,
then suddenly, a feeling comes in...
feeling down,
feeling sad.
I feel my life so empty now.

Messages and phone calls come in everyday.
"Ni zai na li, nue ren?"
(Where are you?)

"Wo zai jia lo"
(I'm home.)

"Na li de jia?"
(Which home?)

"KL lo"
(KL)

"Wah, bian chen KL ren le la?"
(Wah, become KL people already...)

The last sentence is what i used to say to my friends months back.
But look at me now. Where am I?

Sitting in the small room.
Putting myself in a corner, in the city of KL, high up in the air.
Disconnecting myself most of the time from people whom I missed.
Which I never wish I treat you all this way.

I'm Sorry.

TIMID

Just end a chat with my fren on MSN. We've talked on many many things till it comes to a topic where we talked about our classmates.
Aha! Most of you when you see this sentence only, then all of you will start to wonder what are the bad things that we gossip about.
Hello~~~ you all thought you all really got so many things for us to gossip?

So, this is where I make a comparison of myself to those we have talked about. However, names won't be revealed. Let's see how percise I describe on that people we have been talking about.

First of all, a GUY. He is a person where I always think he should be in the political field. The way he talks is so critical sometimes (especially political), which I find it damn boring. Not to say that I don't discuss about political stuff. I do! In fact, sometimes I just loves to talk about it. I used to read newspaper like an old man. Read from A to Z. That was since primary to secondary school era. Then by the time I come to college, I totally get myself disconnected from the newspaper or from any news source. Then slowly, the "old man" in me just fade away. Now, I feel that I'm so damn empty in my General Knowledge Dictionary. And also the disease of "I DUN CARE" spread in me. So whenever he talks to me, I just shut my lips. Not that I dun dare to say anything. Is just that I got nothing to say. Laziness haunt me now. How? I feel so small... But not till the next few minutes when he does his talking. Cause after that, that's where his soft news / sensational news, come into the conversation. And not to mention, sometimes, his super duper blurness. However, I still dare not stand stronger than him. Put myself at one corner of the world. This is how timid I can go...

Sounds like we talked a lot of people, but this is the second and the last. This time, is a LADY, I shall call her. Cause her appearance makes her a lady, though almost of the time she said herself very "cho lo" (hokkien). Well, is a NO NO for me. For I'm more "cho lo" than her. However, never ever look down at her, for she has a very strong personalities which I admire. Walking beside her, I can never walk tall. I will make myself invinsible almost most of the time. Feeling small with myself. As I told my fren during the chatting session; if she moves one step, I need to make 10 steps to reach where she is with the one step she makes. I dunno but her character is just rare to find. In my life, so many people walk in and out of my life. I only found 2 with this character. The first has been very successful in her life, in career wise and of course others. Is she a happy person? Yes, she is. Cause she got an individual who puts on clown mask to be by her side. And that person who wears the clown mask is very timid. Never brave enough to stand taller. This is what happens whenever I'm with this Second friend (my classmate) I meet here. For she is smart in every way I think that makes her stand tall above the rest of the ladies I know. But not taller than the First. But she can make it one day to where the First make. And even better. That's what I believe. Way to go girl!

Aha! Why only these two we discussed? Cause my friend said is time for her to walked into her dreamland. As for me, I'm walked back into my war which will only end another week.

Have a merry merry Christmas everyone!

The Final Countdown

It's almost 3am in the morning. I was going through some reading when I notice an email notification from my classmate, Hui Hsien. I usually do not open emails that content nothing useful, particularly contain pictures and stories that passed around the globe. But this is different, I dunno why, my fingers automatically direct to the touch pad and click to open up the email entitled "You guys are special to me :P".

The story managed to get hold of my interest and almost bring me to tears.

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,' were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in
Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. 'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he said: 'Mark talked about you a lot.'

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket 'They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.'

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see, Mark treasured it.'

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home.'

Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.'

'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

Din I said almost. It just bring me to think... Just few more weeks... This semester is going to be OVER. And this is the final semester of our final years. Whether or not I'm going to join most of them to UK does not really matter now. What I know is, the time for me to be with them is getting shorter.

If I'm to be sitting with my classmates at the mamak stall right now, then I shall hear voices like these:

"No worries la... when we worked we can find time to meet up."
"Haiya, don't think so much la."
"We sure can make up something. Gathering or whatever."
"Chill la... Enjoy the moment that we have now."

Aha... the last sentence is the one I usually says. But the true fact is that I do really care.

Some 4 years, some 3 years, some 2 years, some 1 years, some few months... No matter how long I really know every single of them, the fact will remain.
The fact is that, they are the people who made me who I am this moment.
They are the people who build my path of life as I walk forward. Is just the matter of how small or how big the impact is along the way. So, the period of me knowing them does not matter to me.

After this, everyone will be leading their own path. Who all of us will be then? How we gonna lead our next step of life? No one knows. One thing I'm VERY SURE of is that, things will never be the same anymore. UNLESS, we really make our own initiatives.

But how many are willing, or will time permit it or will the work load and stress permit it?

No one knows what happen the next second.

This is my fav sentence too.

How long can our friendship goes?
How long can we keep in touch?
And how long will we live to enjoy it?

Can you see the time that I'm questioning now?

No matter what the questions are, it can never be answered now. Not till the time come.

Every second there are many things that comes in and out of my life whether I realise it or not. Every time I will react differently to different situation. So most of the time, every single steps i make, it does occur in my mind if I do this or do that to that particular someone, will they like it or will it make them hate me. So, it means the clear conscience and guilty conscience of mine haunt me most of the time.
And sometimes, I'm not aware of what I'm doing. Sometimes, feeling is much stronger than my conscience.
And sometimes, I DON'T THINK!
I may create many people out there that hate me without any of my intention at all. I just dunno.

But do all these really matters? I do not know. Is up to everyone who wanna judge me.
Whether you wanna judge me or not?
How you gonna judge me?

One thing for sure is that I'm trying my very best to do whatever it is to make people happy. That's me, Ai Yin!

Ku Tetap Menanti

Ku tidak rasa jemu menunggu panggilan mu.
Ku tetap menunggu sms mu.

Namun, segala penantian ini sehingga kini masih belum berakhir

Kerana ku tetap belum terima khabar berita dari mu.

Memandang muka telefon ku membuat hatiku semakin pilu.

Apakah salah silap ku sehingga ku dibiarkan meneruskan hidup ku ini sendirian?

Mengapa kau pergi secara tiba-tiba?

Mengenang memori kita bersama beberapa tahun dahulu, kau lah yang banyak mendorong aku:

di masa ku memerlukan seseorang,

di masa ku tidak larat melangkah lagi dalam perjalanan hidup ku,

di masa ku memerlukan tangan seorang insan yang dapat memimpin ku,

di masa ku amat memerlukan pelukkan kasih yang dapat mengalirkan air mata ku yang sentiasa tergenang di kelopak mata ku ini

dan hanya kau lah yang dapat memberikan semua ini dalam hidup ku.

Namun, kini kau tinggalkan ku seorang diri. Menerokai hidupku sendirian. Meraba masa depan ku di alam yang gelap. Ku cuba mencapai tangan mu, tapi ku hanya dapat merasakan kegelapan. Ku bagaikan seorang insan yang lebih buta daripada mereka yang cacat penglihatan.

Di hari ku bersedirian, akan ku membuka memori ku, melihat apa yang pernah kita lalui. Dan ku cuba mencari, APA SILAP KU! Seandainya boleh, ku ingin menjerit sekuat-kuat hatiku! Namun, bibirku tetap terkunci.

Hanya Dia memahami, betapa perit dan pilunya hati ku ini. Bagaikan kesakitan yang tidak bertandakan noktah.

Hanya Dia juga yang memahami, betapa banyak tanda-tanda soal di dalam benak ku ini. Sehingga kini, soalannya masih tidak terjawab. Bagaikan teka-teki yang tidak mungkin terungkai sudah.

Mungkinkah ku telah melukakan hati mu tanpa ku sedari?

Mungkinkah selama ini ku membebani hidup mu?

Mungkinkah kau menemui ruang hidup mu yang lebih baik tanpa ku?

Mungkinkah....

Segala kemungkinan tidak mungkin terjawab tanpa mu menghadiri hidup ku semula.

Dan sebab itulah...

KU TETAP MENANTI

(p/s: watak di dalam gambar tidak saling berkaitan dengan cerita di atas. gambar tersebut hanyalah panduan memberi gambaran kepada anda)