Jan 12, 2009

Puzzle of Life

Is almost 4am in the morning. I just reached home.
Never want to keep myself in the small room of mine earlier.
Fearing the worries and fear and agony and many negative thoughts kept on haunting my mind.

So i decided to watch football with my friends at Zati Manis.
Do I love football? Yes, I do. Which team I support?
I can't tell you now for I will only decide when I watched.

Funny right! But I don't care right now what you think.

All I want this night is to get out from the room of unhappiness.
A couple of "teh-tarik" sessions actually. One after one.
When they ended...

Sitting in my small black car...
I drove back home on the empty street.
Unlike the street, my mind play with many thoughts...
Driving at 20km/h, taking a longer route, I'm arranging the pieces of puzzle of my life.
My past, present and future.

However, as I putting the pieces together, I found that many pieces are missing.
Where have they been?

The inner me is having conflict now.

Where has it gone wrong?

Why am I not whom I used to be 10 years back?
Where is my old self?
Oh... how I wish I can find it.

The one who used to be confident.
No worries of having to think how to talk to the person next to me.
Not having have to think how to please people.
Don't have to crack my mind how to make people happy.
All that, come so naturally, and done so naturally by me, once upon a time.

But how come all of whom I used to be has all gone?
Where have I left them?

Did I left it somewhere at the turning at any path of my life?

I have changed to whom I am not used to be.
Frankly, I have become worst.

All this time as I set my foot into college life as well as part time working life,
I work hard on how do I make the people around me happy.
Never want to spoil their mood.
Never want to have bad impression.
And I play it all cool.

But what is this all about!!!
I lost the pieces of me.
Which I really miss them dearly.

Tears trickle down my cheeks as these words appear on the screen of mine.
Oh... what's the used of it?

Is it ok for me to put all my sorrows to my tears?
let them trickle and fade away as the wind passed by?
Will I be okay then?

I just don't know.

Watching friends making success in their life.
Some are just about to step into the limelight, and some are already there.
As for me, I'm standing there, putting vision of me in the light.
Ideas to success are well draft, but I just do not know how to do it.

Why?

For I see all the roads are full of barricades.
Very strong barricades indeed.

Searching for strength and tools to break it.
But they are never found.
For they are not there in me.
Is this right? Is it fated?

Watching my friends one by one easily break themselves through the barricades.
Why can't I do that too?!!!!
What's wrong with me?
Oh my!
This is not the time to mourn over my sorrows.
Is time for me to start search harder for the missing pieces of me.

I need to complete the puzzle as soon as possible.
I need to stand strong!
I must succeed in my life.
I want to make my loved ones proud of me.
For I owe them too much.

For I want them to feel, they are not raising a "trash".

And most importantly, I want to prove to those who has looked down on me, once!

The missing pieces of puzzle of me and my life, is soon to be complete by me!
Yes! I can do it!

I want the tears of my sorrows today turn to tears of happiness one day!
Not only it will run down the cheeks of mine but also the people who care and love me!
The Puzzle of Life = Sorrow + Success + Failure + Happiness = Human

4 comments:

Wei Xiang said...

very nice post ah yin ;) dun let things get you down no matter what! i believe that u have it in u to make it to the top in whatever you set your sights to =)

jia you jia you ok? but for now, dun have to wander too far ... coz ... exam is just round the corner ;)

study ar! LoL!

G.A.Y said...

hahaha... thanks for your compliment, wei xiang. Is just a simple post la...

You too ka yau la!
Yeah! Final ad....
Hmm... Hope everything went well for all of us!
Gambate!

sLyM said...

u have always remained the same yin i knew. u feel u changed cuz time n experience is what shapes a person into who she/he is. dont be too hard on yourself. =)

G.A.Y said...

Slym, how long have you been friend of mine. And I'm sure you know what I do expect for myeself.

Maybe is because I've been to far away from you all also. Makes me forget who I really am once before.That is maybe why I feel new. Hahaha!

Anyway, I miss you all. Really look forward in meeting you all asap.

And do forgive me for not attending all the meet up for so long. I know I've been M.I.A for very very long time. So Sorry!

But I never once forget you all!
So dont cha worry :)