Nov 13, 2008

It'll Never Be The Same

Raining again...

A good day to sleep.
However, I have to force my sleepy eyes to stay wide open.
Sitting in my room alone, I think back what happened in class today.

I saw one of my friends walked in.
Saw her face.
I could tell, she's not in her happy mood. For her smiling face I used to see is no longer there.

It brought me to flash back my memory to 7 years back.
I went through what she went through.
It really hurts.

Losing someone you loved the most, where:
you will never hear the voice called out your name,
you'll never see the smile,
you'll never see the sad face,
you'll never see every single thing of the people you lost.

The only thing I have, is the memories we once had together.

She protected me whenever I need to face the pain of cane.
She carried me whenever I fall.
She gave me money, cause she knew I need it.
Most importantly, she shelter me and everyone else under her love and care whenever any of us need it.

Her lost is not sudden. She fights like a warrior to stay alive. Cancer has ripped her away from us.

Before her death, to me, "DEATH" is nothing.
Is just a cycle of life. If your loved one is gone, then, that's it. They are gone, we the one who are still alive, just carry on. It's just so simple.

But by the time I faced it, I was totally wrong.

Hmm.... It still smell very fresh. (my memory)

7.30pm - 180101
I was enjoying the dramatic scene of the HK drama series. But, the ringing of the phone interrupted my focus.

The phone call itself has bring another new chapter of drama in my life.

"She's gone. She'll never come back"
"Liar! Liar! Liar! You must be kidding me!"
Being alone in that house with my younger sister, never know what to do.
To break the news to my sister is not easy.
As I put down the phone, I, be as tough as possible. As tough as I can hold back my tears. I let the news out of my lips. Her reaction is just the same as I was.
Her grieve and tears, however has soften everything that I had try to hold back earlier.
I let my sadness out. I let my tears stream down my cheeks. I just couldn't hold back any longer.
I felt my colourful world turns to grey all of the sudden.
The agony, the pain, it's killing me.

I'll never have the chance to drive her around.
I'll never have the chance to show her my success.
I'll never have the chance to see and hear her.
For now, she's so far away, which I'll never know where.

Everyone has their bad and good.
However, till today, all I remember is her goodness.
What are the bad things about her?
I have forgotten.

"Do take care of the younger cousins. You're the eldest."

But I'm in no strength to do it, granny. Cause things is not the same anymore when you're around.
Everyone seems to take their own path now.
Not like we used to be. We work everything out together.

I still remember the day when I was on my way to my Diploma Convocation ceremony.

The sun was shinning brightly. I was running late. When I reached college, ran up the slop the to the college hall. Every step I took, my heart feel the joy and sadness. Half way through, I look into the sky.

"I've made it, granny. Can you see me now? Me, with my success."

I almost cried. For she can't be there to attend my convocation. How I wished she could. However, I might also disappointed her is she is there. For the last thing she told me was...

"Study hard and be a doctor. Then, you can help others."

I'm sorry, granny. That was my dream. But I've to let it go for I've screwed it up in the middle of the journey to success. But I believe I still can success in the other path I am on now. I'll work it out, no matter what.

For quite some time after her death, every time I saw an old lady passed by or any family or children surround their grandma, I was jealous. For I wished I could enjoy more time with granny just like them.

However, today, I'm back tough again. It doesn't I've forgotten her. I just have to.

It's just that I need to be tough to achieve the mission given by her. It is...

Bring back the good old days!

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